Marriage & the step parent dilemma

The society in which we live today is filled with wonderful blended families that come in all shapes and sizes.  We're not just talking about couples coming together from different cultural backgrounds, but also couples coming together, each with children of their own. (How could we forget The Brady Bunch - if only it was that easy). So many of the couples I see as a celebrant have families like this.

The joining of two families can be a really wonderful experience, but it would be remiss not to mention the fact that it can also be exceptionally difficult and fraught with potential disasters, particularly when combined with the stress of planning a wedding. Step parenting is never easy and we all know very well that planning a wedding can be overwhelming, even for the calmest of couples, but combining the two can see some couples in total despair.


To any of you who have successfully brought two families together while planning and executing an amazig wedding, we commend you. You truly deserve a round of applause.

BUT, for those of you (and I'm sure there are many) who are currently struggling with a suddenly much larger family, while trying to plan your big day and include children and step children, then we symapthise and are here to help.

In working with many couples in this situation I have put together a few ideas I wanted to share with you that may hopefully help you in finding ways to include children and step children and ease the stress of  any family tension that may be lingering.

I have found that finding ways to include and unite the family on such a public level really helps to strengthen the bond and puts the focus on inclusion and unity rather than exclusion and individuality.

Here are some ideas to help:

1. If the children are old enough allow them to act as junior bridesmaids/groomsmen. Asking them to stand beside you earns them a level of importance and respect that you may find helps them to feel apart of it all.

2. If you are each coming to the marriage with a couple of children it may not be practical to have them as attendant in the ceremony. I once did a ceremony for a couple where they each had 3 children and so they bought each of them a gold letter (the childs first initial) and as part of the ceremony each child was asked to come forward as the step parent placed the necklace on and gave them a kiss. All  the guests were crying and the children were so proud and pleased it was beautiful.

3. Include a unity ritual in your ceremony. A great way of making children feel included is by having a unifying ritual. A sand ceremony is a great example (see our sand ceremony for an example) I perform many sand ceremonies with families which usually requires a vase of coloured sand each different and representing the particular family member, They each then pour their sand into the large vase so the colours layer beautiful and then the vas eis then sealed. The glass can be engraved with the wedidng details or an engraved plaque put on the front. Once on display in the home the significance of the once single colours of sand that can now never be seperated again from the others is a constant reminder of the families bond.

4. If they are not wanting or confident enough to take part in the ceremony then give them a job. Ushering guests, handing out rose petals or bubbles. This will allow them to have a purpose on the day.

We really hope this helps and if you are still stuck feel free to contact us and we will be happy to help with more ideas.

The Wedding Gurus
xxx

What about the Mothers?

This is an area that I truly feel passionate about bringing to peoples attention. At nearly every ceremony I conduct my heartstrings are pulled when I see the mothers of the bride and groom sitting (or standing) in their beautiful outfit, hair all done, often with tears in their eyes, left to watch the father walk his daughter down the aisle – or in the parents of the grooms case, have no part to play at all. This is something I would love to see changed in modern day weddings and I must say some couples make a point of finding some way to pay tribute to the mothers, but for so many of us we are just so caught up in the ‘usual’ way things are done we often don’t think about what is actually important to us most.

I know that sometimes relationships are strained with parents or even non-existent so it is not always something that couples want to do. In those situations that is absolutely understandable but I have often chatted to mums who are very close with their daughters and who are felling a bit sad about the fact that they didn’t get to ride down with them or feel that sense of absolute pride side by side with their baby on the biggest day of her life. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.

With one daughter and two sons of my own I have a very good grasp of just how much of my time, love and attention I devote to them every minute of every day. As many mothers do I often think about my daughters wedding, picking out dresses and flowers etc when she grows up, but I’m being honest when I tell you that I can’t help but feel sad that I will have to stand on the sidelines and watch her father, friends and husband to be and his friends stand side by side with her on one of the biggest days of her life. I feel a bit cheated. (in advance!). And to add insult to injury I will even have less of a role on my son’s big days unless they decide to find a special part for me. I know it all sounds very ‘woe is me’, but these are the most special people in my life and if a best friend can get upset about not getting to be a bridesmaid then surely I can feel a bit left out too!

It is funny to me that there are so many traditions in modern ceremonies that have forged through, pushing aside the old ways and yet this is just something that seems to remain, the institution that a father should give away his daughter to her new husband. It really struck me one day at a ceremony where the bride had only recently (like a month before) lost her mother and it was very hard for her not to have her there to see her get married. In planning the ceremony we decided that it would be really special to have a picture of her mother on the signing table at the front and as she walked up to stand beside the groom. She would first walk over to the table, place a kiss on the photo and light the candle. It really was lovely and evoked a lot of emotion amongst the guests, but at the time I couldn’t help thinking that there was more acknowledgement for that mother who had passed away than there was for a mother who is actually present and desperate to play a part.

So I know I have probably ranted a little in this post because of that fact that this is something I feel strongly about but if it inspires even just one of you to find a way to include your mum or make her feel special and stand out from just being like all of the other guests, then I feel that my work here is done.

If you want to find a way to include your mum and are stuck for ideas or have a great idea that you yourself used, please leave a comment.

Regards

Susan